When the System Shifts: Why Growth Feels Like Harm (But Isn’t)

Stepping back can feel uncomfortable for others — and that’s okay. Growth shakes systems, it doesn’t mean you’re causing harm.

There’s a particular kind of guilt that shows up when you stop over-functioning in your relationships.

You decide to move.
You set a boundary.
You stop being the default emotional regulator.
You stop solving problems that aren’t yours.

And suddenly people are upset.

Your nervous system interprets that upset as:

“I’m causing harm.”

But causing discomfort is not the same as causing harm.

And that distinction changes everything.

The Hidden Role You May Have Been Playing

In many friendships and family systems, one person quietly becomes the stabilizer.

The one who:

Listens
Fixes
Remembers
Calms
Carries
Anticipates

Over time, responsibility tilts.

Emotional weight that belongs to multiple adults slowly gathers on one set of shoulders.

The system adapts around that.

It becomes efficient. Predictable. Comfortable.

But it’s not balanced.

What Happens When You Step Back

When you stop over-functioning, something powerful happens:

Responsibility shifts back to where it belongs.

And that shift feels uncomfortable — not because it’s wrong, but because it’s unfamiliar.

Others may feel:

Anxiety
Frustration
Panic
Abandonment
Anger

Their nervous systems activate because the structure they relied on has changed.

The system wobbles.

But wobbling is not breaking.

Activation is not injury.

Discomfort is often the first stage of rebalancing.

You are not creating instability.
You are restoring balance.

Why It Feels So Wrong in Your Body

Even if you intellectually understand this, your body may still scream:

“Fix it.”
“Go back.”
“Make them feel better.”
“Don’t cause harm.”

That reaction often comes from:

Early conditioning around responsibility
Trauma bonding or enmeshment
Being the “strong one” in childhood
Being valued for what you provide rather than who you are

When others are distressed, your nervous system may automatically assume you caused damage.

But what’s actually happening is this:

They are now experiencing the responsibility that was previously buffered by you.

That is not cruelty.
That is correction.

The Hard Truth

When you stop carrying what was never fully yours, other people feel the weight.

That doesn’t mean you should pick it back up.

If your autonomy requires someone else to grow, the discomfort that follows is part of development — not destruction.

Healthy differentiation creates temporary instability in systems built on over-functioning.

And yes — that includes you, too.

Because you’re shifting as well.

Growth is disorienting on both sides.

How to Handle the Guilt, Overwhelm, and Discomfort

Here are practical ways to support yourself during this shift:

1️⃣ Separate Discomfort from Harm

When guilt spikes, pause and ask:

Did I violate my values?
Or did someone feel uncomfortable with change?

Remind yourself:

“Discomfort is not danger.”

Write it down if you need to. Your nervous system needs repetition.

2️⃣ Expect the Wobble

Relational systems often destabilize before they rebalance.

Instead of interpreting upset as a signal to retreat, try reframing it as:

“The system is adjusting.”

Adjustment feels messy. That doesn’t make it wrong.

3️⃣ Resist Immediate Over-Repairing

When someone reacts strongly, your reflex may be to:

Over-explain
Apologize excessively
Soften your boundary
Reassure beyond what’s healthy

Before responding, pause.

Ask:

“Am I responding from clarity or anxiety?”
“Am I about to take back responsibility that isn’t mine?”

Regulate first. Respond second.

4️⃣ Build Support in the Right Direction

If you’ve been the primary support for many people, you may not be practiced at receiving support.

Now is the time to:

Lean into relationships that are mutual
Spend time with people who celebrate your growth
Seek therapy or coaching if needed

Shifting out of over-functioning requires new scaffolding.

5️⃣ Regulate Your Own Nervous System

Because your body is shifting too.

Helpful practices:

Slow exhale breathing (longer out-breath than in-breath)
Grounding (notice 5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear)
Movement (walk, stretch, shake out tension)
Limiting exposure to reactive messages while you stabilize

Your body needs safety signals while roles reorganize.

6️⃣ Anchor in a Truth Statement

When overwhelm hits, repeat:

“Responsibility is returning to its rightful place.”
“The system is adjusting.”
“I can care without collapsing.”
“Shifting, not harming.”

Let that be your compass when guilt tries to rewrite the story.

The Bigger Picture

If someone’s stability depended on you staying small, that stability wasn’t sustainable.

Real intimacy isn’t built on one person carrying the emotional load.

When responsibility sits where it belongs, relationships have the opportunity to become:

More mutual
More adult
More honest

Some relationships will rise to that.
Some may fall away.

That doesn’t mean your growth was wrong.

It means the system is revealing what it was built on.

And choosing balance — even when it shakes things — is not selfish.
It’s healthy.

A Final Permission

I give you permission to take the steps you are taking — and deeply, I am so proud of you for it.

It’s about time you get your needs met and experience the life you desire.

Curious about ADHD for yourself or a loved one? I specialize in ADHD therapy work.

If you’re curious about ADHD — or if you want something concrete to share with others — I’ve created a free ADHD Screening Toolkit. It includes two evidence-based screening tools that break ADHD down into symptoms and everyday struggles.

Many people who see these tools have that “oh wow, that’s actually ADHD” moment. It’s a simple way to paint a clearer picture of what ADHD really looks like.

👉 Access the FREE ADHD Screening Toolkit here!

Want More Support Like This?
If you found this helpful, I send out occasional emails with more posts like this, upcoming workshops, and new resources for ADHDers, self-healers, and helpers.

👉 Join the email list here to stay in the loop.

Home